Love-Actually-Script真爱至上全部台词

nLove ActuallyScript-Dialogue I feel it in my toesWhenever Iget gloomywith thestate ofFeel it in my toes,yeahnthe world,“Christmas is all aroundme AllaroundI thinkabout thearrivals gateat meHeathrowairport.“And so the feelinggrowsGeneral opinionmakes outthat welive inSo thefeeling growsaworld ofhatred andgreed“Its writtenin thewind In the windI dont see that.Its everywhere I goSeemsto methat love is everywhere.“Everywhere I gonOften its not particularlydignified orSo if you really love ChristmasLovenewsworthy but it*s always there.ChristmasnFathers andsons,mothers anddaughters,Come onand letit snowhusbands and wives,boyfriends,girlfriends,“Come onand letit...”old friends.This isshit,isnt itWhenthe planeshit theTwin Towers,Yep,solid goldshit,maestro.none of the phonecalls frompeople onboard-God,Fm so late.-Its justround theweremessages ofhate orrevenge,hey werecorner,youll make it.all messagesof love.You sureyou don*t mindme goingIf you lookfor it,Fve got a sneakyfeeling without you1youll findthat loveactually is all around.No,really.Im justfeeling sorotten.LOVE ACTUALLY-I love you.-I know.nI feel it in my fingers I love you evenwhen youresick andlooknI feel it in mytoesdisgusting.Feel it in mytoes,yeah11Love is all aroundme And sothe...I know.Now,go or you willactually miss-Pm afraidyou didit again,Bill.it.It*s justI know the oldversion sowell,Right.you know.-Did Imention that I love you-Yes,youWell,we alldo.did.Get out,loser.Thats whywere makingthe newversion.Karen,its meagain.Right,OK,lets go.Fm sorry,I literallydont have anybodyI feel it in my fingersIn my fingers elseto talk to.nI feel it in mytoesAbsolutely.Horrible moment,though.CanFeel it inmytoes,yeah Icall you backLove isall ar...”Of course.Oh,fuck,wank,bugger,shitting Doesntmean Im not terriblyconcernedStart again.n Iremember youfilming a lot and II feelit inmyfingersIn myfingersarsehead andhole.that yourwife justdied.wondered if I couldlook at it.-Er,bonjour,Aurelia.-Bonjour.To behonest,I didntreally...Er,je suis,er,tres heureuxde vousavoirPlease.All I want is one shot of me in aici.wedding dressthat isntturquoise.Unfortunately,she cannotspeak French,ril have a lookbut Impretty sureI wipedjust like you.it,so dontget anyhopes up.Shes Portuguese.1-Must go.Ah,ah,buongiorno.Any progresswith ourmatchmaking Eusebio,er,er...plans Er,molto bueno...I thinkshes tenyears tooyoung toNo.Ive donefuck-all andnever willremember afootballer calledEusebio.nbecause hestoo goodfor me.And moltobueno isSpanish.How true.Right.-Stop.And of course,your mobilegoes.Anyway,its niceto meet you and...Hello.Hi.How you doing Canyou driveher homeafter herwork-So,hows the Christmas partygoing-Oh,absolutely,yes.Con-Con grande,er,Good.pl-plesura.Think Ivefound a venue.Which iswhat Turkish-Whats itlike-Good.Good.Bello.Its anart gallery.Full ofdark corners for Er,bella.doing darkdeeds.Er,mon-montagno,Oh.Right.arvarez...Good.Well,I supposeI shouldtake a lookNo,right.Silence isgolden.atitor something.As theTremeloes said.You should.Clever guys,Ah,bonjour,Eleonore.although I think theoriginal versionwasBonjour,Monsieur Bennett.Welcomeby FrankieValli AndThe FourSeasons.back.Gr-great band.And thisyear youbring alady guestOh,shut up.No.Theres achange ofsituation.Just me.Mr President!-Oh.Am Isad ornot sad-I thinkyoure not surprised.-Over here,sir!-What willyou betalkingabout-And youstay heretill Christmas一Yeah,Mr President,welcome.yeah.Its apleasure to meet you.Good.Well,I findyou aperfect ladytoCome through.Fm sorryyour wifeThis is Aurelia.Ah.So isshe.Although shewould have beenclean thehouse.couldnt makeit.kind oflonely.As longas itsnot something I dontYes.Pathetic,isnt itwanna give.Just neverbeen able to tiea girldown.Not surethat politicsand datinggo Hi.together.Pathetic.Really Ivenever foundthat.Its greatScotch.Yeah,youre stillsickeningly handsome,FII,erm...Fil begoing,then.whereas I look likemy AuntMildred.Er,Natalie,-Very jealousof yourplane,by the way.I hopeto seemuch moreof you as our-Thank you.We lovethat thing.countries worktoward abetter future.Ah,Natalie.Hi.Thank you,sir.Morning,maam.Hows yourday sofar Er,yes,Peter.-Excellent.Mr President,has it been a good visitMy goodness,thats apretty littleson ofVery satisfactoryindeed.a bitch.We gotwhat wecame forDid you seethose pipesand ourspecial relationshipis stillveryspecial.Yeah,shes terrific.At herjob.Prime MinisterNo,absolutely not.We cannot and willI lovethat wordrelationship.Covers allnotconsult onthat either.manner ofsins,doesnt itThat is unexpected.I fearthat this has becomea badWell,it shouldntbe.relationship.The lastadministration madeit perfectlyA relationshipbased on the Presidentclear.taking whathe wantsWerebeing consistentwith theirpolicies.and casuallyignoring allthose thingsthatWith allrespect,they werebad policies.really matterto,erm...Thanks,Alex.I dontthink weremakingprogress here.Britain.Lets,erm...move on,shall weWe maybe asmall countrybut we*re aWell,now,that was an interestingday.great one,too.Sorry ifour linewas firmbut theresno Thecountry ofShakespeare,Churchill,point intiptoeing aroundtoday,the Beatles,then justdisappointing you for fouryears.-Sean Connery,Harry Potter.I haveplans and I planto seethem-David Beckhamsright foot.through.David Beckhamsleft foot,come to that.Absolutely.There isone finalthing toAnd afriend whobullies usis nolonger aItsvery closeto my heart.Just give me asecond.And sincebullies onlyrespond tostrength,from nowonward,Fil giveyou anythingyou askfor.look at.friend.nI will be preparedto bemuch stronger.ril giveyou allthat you needAnd the President shouldbe preparedfor Wrap your love around methat.“Youre so excited I can feel you gettingMrPresident!hotternJoe.Oh babyItsyour sisteron linefour.Fil take you down,Ill take you downAll right.Er,yes,Im verybusy and“Where no ones ever gone beforeimportant,how can I help you And if you want moreHave you gonecompletely insane“If youwant more,more,more-You can*t always be sensible.-You can“Jump for my love1if yourePrime Minister.Jump in-It*s theChancellor on the otherline.-It“And feelmy touchisnt!“Jump,if youwanna taste my kissesinthe nightthen-Til callyouback.1-No,you wont!“Jump for my loveThe trouble withbeing the Prime Fil takeyou down,Fil takeyou downMinisterssister is it putsyour lifeinto Where no ones evergone”perspective.-Yeah,erm,What didmy brotherdo todayHe foughtMary,can wemove theJapanesefor hiscountry.ambassador tofour oclocktomorrowWhat didI do I madea papier-machelobster head.-Certainly,sir.-Terrific.Thanks soWhat is thiswe Yelistening tomuch.Joni Mitchell.Erm.Would you like thelast,er...ThankI can*t believeyou stilllisten toJoni youvery muchbut no.Mitchell.If yousaw my sister,youd understandI love her and truelove lastsa lifetime.why.Joni Mitchell is thewoman whotaught Thatsall right,more for me.your coldEnglish wifehow to feel.Just dont go eatingit allyourself,youreDid sheOh,well,thats good,I mustgetting chubbierevery day.write toherandsay thanks.Fm verylucky Fve got aconstitutionWhich dollfor Daisysfriend EmilywhereI never puton weight.The onethat looks like atransvestite or-Hello.the onethat lookslike adominatrix Oop.Sorry.Its almostenough to make youfeel Hellopatriotic,-Thank you.-Nao!so heres one for our arse-kicking prime-Eu pecoimensa desculpa.-Oh,no.Holdminister.on.nA goldenoldie for a goldenoldie.,Hold-God,its halfthe book.Oh,no.-Queme desastre.Just leavethem,please!Theyre notFrighteningimportant.Er,scary Yes,sometimes scary.Theyre notworth it!And,er,sometimes not.Mainly scaryhowbad thewriting is.Stop!Stop.Mm.Aa-ahh.Fd betterget back to work.Its alljust rubbish.-Ah.-Later youlldrive mehomeJust leaveit.Sure.Oh,God,shes in.Its myfavourite timeof day...And nowshell think Im atotal spazif Idriving you.dontgoin too.Its thesaddest partof myday,leavingFuck-its cold!you.Fuck-its freezing!Fuck!Sorry.This stuffbetter begood.And comingup laterthis morning,it*s!Its notworth it,this isntbloody thisguy...Shakespeare.I dont want todrown“Theres nobeginning,therell beno endsavingsome shitmy grandmothercould-Cos on Christmas...-the badgrandadhave written.of rocknroll,Just stop.Stop.here at10^

30.Do notswitch off.,What kind of idiotdoesnt makecopies BanoffeepieNo,thanks.I reallymust docopies.Thank God.You wouldvebroken myTheredbetter notbe eelsin here.heart if youd saidyes.Try not to disturbthe eels.Right,well,lucky you.Oh,what thehellis that-Can Icome in-Er,yeah,well,Im a bitThank you.Thank you so much.busy...I know,ril name one of the charactersI was justpassing and I thoughtwe mightafteryou.check thatvideo thingout.Maybe you could name one of theI thoughtI mightbe ableto swapit forcharactersafter me.some pieOrgive me50%of theprofits.or maybeMunchiesOr I could giveyou5%of theprofits.WhatActually,I wasserious-I dont knowkind ofbook is itwhere it is.Fil have alooktonight.-Romance-Yes.Mark,can Isay somethingIts,erm...Yeah.Ah,er...Thriller...crime...I know youYe Petersbest friendand I knowyouve neverparticularlySim.Crime.Crime,murder.warmed tome.Look,dont,dont argue.You dontlike me.I hope its useful.Weve nevergot friendly.Dont showit aroundtoo much.But I wanted to say,I hopethat canNeeds a bit ofediting.change.Look,Ive gotto getto a...lunch.Im nice.I reallyam.Apart frommy Earlylunch.terrible tastein pieand...It wouldbe great if wecould befriends.You canjust show yourself out,cant youAbsolutely.Absolutely.Its a...self-preservation thing,you see.nGreat.Oh I am what I amDoesntmean wellbe ableto findthe THdo what I wantvideo,though.“But I cant hideI had a real searchwhen youfirst called“And I wont gonandcouldnt findit so...I wont sleepThis onesays Teterand JulietsWedding.“And I cant breatheDo you thinkwe mightbe onthe rightUntil youre resting here with metrackAnd I wont leaveEr,yeah,well...Wow.That-that couldbe“And I cant hidenit.I cannotbe-Do youmind if I...-Ive probablytaped Untilyoureresting hereover it.“And Iwont goAlmosteverythings episodesof WestAnd Iwont sleepWing.And I cant breatheOh.Until youYerestingherewith me”Oh,bingo.Thats lovely.-Yeah.Well done,you.Annie,my darling,my dream,my boat.Ah...Oh,thats gorgeous.-Need you to doa favourforme.-OfThank youso much,Mark,this isexactly course.what I was hopingfor.Anything for the heroof thehour.Ilookquite pretty.Dont askme why,and don,t readstuffYouve stayedrather close.into this,Theyre all of me.its justa weirdpersonality thing.Yeah.Yeah.But,erm,you knowNatalie whoworksYes.hereThe chubbygirlBut…Ooh,would wecall herchubbyyou nevertalk tome.I thinktheres apretty sizeablearse there,You alwaystalk toPeter.yes,sir.Huge thighs.Yeah.Well,whatever,erm...tradizione deChristmas presents.Im sureshes alovely girlbut Iwonder ifStupido.you could,erm...Well,goodbye.redistribute herThank you.Its done.Erm,it was,erm...Hey,Sammo.Can*tsleepI willmiss you.I got some terriblenews today.And yourvery slowtyping...and yourLetshave it.very baddriving.n-Joannas going backto America.-Your You know I love Christmas,I alwayswillngirls AmericanMy mindsmade up,the waythat I feelYes,shes American.“Theres nobeginning,therell beno endn1And shes not mygirl.Cos onChristmas you can depend*And shesgoingbackto America.Thats Daniel!the end of mylife as I knowit.-I have a plan.-Thank theLord.Tell me.That isbad news.-Well,girls lovemusicians,don*t theyWell,we needKate Uh-huh.and weneed Leo,and weneed themnow.-Even the weird onesget girlfriends.-Come on.Thats right.Hold on.Hold on.Meat Loafdefinitely gotlaid atleast once.Keep youreyes closed.For Godssake,Ringo Starrmarried a-Do youtrust me’-I trustyou.Bond girl.-Do youtrust me-I trustyou.Whatever.Theres this big concertat the-Fool!-Get off,you bigbully.end ofterm andJoannas init.All right,open youreyes.,I thoughtifI was in the band and playedYou know,Sammy,Im sureshes uniquesuperbly,and extraordinaryshe mightfall in love with me.What dobutgeneral wisdomis thatin theend,you thinkI think itsbrilliant,I thinkits stellar.there isn*t just one personfor eachof us.Apart from the oneobvious tinylittleThere wasfor Kateand Leo.baby littlehiccup.There wasfor you.And there is forme.-I dontplay amusical instrument-Yes,Shes theone.sir.Fair enough.And hernames JoannaA tiny,insignificant detail.Yeah,I know.Same asMum.“You look into myeyesn n-Yeah.Igoout of my mindI cantsee anythingn-Prime Minister.-Thank youvery much.Cos this loves gotme blindI canthelpnOh.Appolo...Erm,appologia.myself I cant breakthis spellI cantGrande,er...grande familio,grande eventry“Baby,Im too lost in you1Caught inyou Thatllnever makenumber one.Lost in everything about you“So deepI“And Iburn everytrack Clipseand Jcantsleep,I cant...”Timberlake...I supposeId betterdo theduty round.I supposeits hisjob todance withYoure a saint.everyone,isnt itAnychance of a dancewith theboss Somemore thanothers.Yeah,sure,sure.Just onedance-Before werun out of chances.-Who,As longas yourboyfriend doesntmind.meNot myboyfriend.-Unless youjust...-No!No!Good.“And youre all Isee Yes.Thanks.And youreall I needHelp me,baby Help me,baby“Youreagood girlAnd thatswhat“Helpme,baby makesme trustyoulikeI doOhbaby,Im toolost inyou Tateat nightI talkto you“Caught inyou...”HeyYoure lookingvery prettytonight.“You willknow thedifference when...It*sfor you.Like aflowerSorry Waitingto bloomIts all for you,sir.Like alight bulbnYoudo Ina darkroomnIm toolost inyou Baby,baby“Baby,rm justsitting hereImtoolostinyouYeah,yeah“Caught inWaiting for youyou“To come on homeLostineverything about youAnd turnmeon“Like thedesertSo deepI cantsleep*Waiting for the rainThismust be very excitingfor you,“Like aschoolkidHfighting forthe Christmas number one.Waiting forthe spring-Hows it looking sofar’-Very bad”Fm justsitting hereindeed.Blue areoutselling mefive toone but Im Waitingforyou to come on homehopingfor alate surge.“And turnme onTurnme onAnd,ifIreach number one,Well,then.Fd bettergo.’I promiseto singa songstark nakedonOK.TV onChristmas Eve.,-Good night.-Good night.-1Do youmean that-Of courseI do,Actually...Michael.-I donthave to go.一Right.Good.1Do youwant apreview Youold flirt.一I mean...一No,thats good.Just,erm,would youexcuse mefor oneI mean,itsnotreally fine,it iswhat itis,second-Sure.-Just onesecond.and therebeing noparents nowand usm,OK,thats done.m...being over here,Why dont you comeupstairs inabout tenits myjob tokeep aneye onhim.Not mysecondsjob,obviously,Pm gladto doit...Thats OK.Life isfull ofinterruptions and-Ten seconds.-Ten seconds.complications.Tor youSo...“Therell beno cryingWillit makehim betterForyouNo.The sunwillbeshiningThen maybe...Cos Ifeel thatwhen Imwith youndont answer.“Its all right...Hey.How you doing-Just tugit.-OK.n Right,right.Oh,no,please.I knowit*s rightfOh,please,please dont,little darling.And thesongbirdsBetween thetwo of us wellfind theKeepsinging like they knowthe scoreanswerand itwont hurtany more.And I loveyou,I loveyou,Iloveyou...”No,no.ImTm notbusy.I...Youre beautiful.H Of course,if youwant me to comeover ILikenever before...will.Mm-hm.1-Fd betteranswer that.OK.Hello.Hi.Hello,darling.That was agood night.No,no,Im notbusy.No,fire away.Right.-Except Ifelt fat.-Dont beridiculous.Yes,I...Im not quite sureits gonna beIts true.possibleNowadays theonly clothesI canget intotoget thePope onthe phonetonightwere onceowned byPavarotti.but…I alwaysthink Pavarottidresses verywell.Yes.Yes,Im surehes very good atMiasvery pretty.exorcism but...Is sheWell,Im sure...You knowshe is,darling.Jon BonJovi isas welland FildefinitelyBe carefulthere.lookintoit.Haveyou been watchingstuff onTVOK OK,Til talkto you later.Yeah.All right,bye-bye.-Every night.-Good.-Sorry aboutthat.-No,its fine.And every day.Its mybrother,hesnotwell,he callsa一The nursesare tryingto killme.一lot.Nobody*s tryingto killyou,babe.一Fm sorry.一No,its fine.Its fine.Thank you.-Erm,all right.Er,Ill haveit.-Lovely.Dont do that,my darling.Would youlike it...giftwrappedThank you.-Yes,all right.-Lovely.Dont do that.Let mejust popit in the box.There.Right.Back atthree.Christmas shopping,-Look,could webe quitequick-never easyor pleasant.Certainly,sir.Are yougonna getme somethingReady in the flashiestof flashes.Er...-There.-Thats great.I dont know,I hadntthought.Not quitefinished.Wheres Sarah,by theway-I dontneed a bag,Fil putit inmyShe couldntmakeit in.Family thing.pocket.Theres aword forhangover Ivenever-Oh,this isntabag,sir.heard before.-Really-This is so muchmore thana-See you later.一Yes.Looking forwardtobag.it.Ooh!A lot.Could webe quitequick,pleaseAre yougonna giveme somethingProntissimo.I thoughtI madeit clearlast night.-Whats that一A cinnamonstick,sir.When itcomes tome,you canhave-Actually,I reallycan*t wait.-You wonteverything.regret it,sir.So,erm,what do you needWantto betSomethingalong thestationery lineAreTis butthe workof amoment.you shortof staplersTherewe go.Almost finished.No.I dont want something I need.Are yougonna dipitinyogurt CoveritI wantsomethingI want.Somethingwith chocolatebuttonspretty.No,sir,were going to popitin theRight.Christmas box.I dont want aChristmas box.Right.-But youwanted itgiftwrapped.-I didSorryIm late,I hadto dropoff Bernieatbut…rehearsal.-The finalflourish.-Can Ipaywhile I do theboring stuffforour-All weneed now...-Oh,God.mothers....isasprig ofholly.一No,no,no,no.-Thank you.-Thank you.-No bloodyholly.-But sir...Looking for anything inparticular,sir-Leave it.-Ooh!Yes.That necklacethere,how muchis it-Loitering around the jewellerysectionIts

70.-No.I was just lookingaround.Dont worry.My expectationsare notRight,listen,you keepyourself occupiedthathigh“Visions ofsugarplums haveafter13years ofMr disappeared../Oh-But-You-Always-Love-Scarves.It was a starrynight inancientActually,I dolove this one.JerusalemIve gottaknow“Where dothe lonelyhearts go...and thebaby Jesuswas in his manger.-Hey!-What areyou doing here SherlockHolmes isnotareal detective.Had torent outmy flatto payfor myIs this thewayto thetrain stationticket.I would like half-pint ofchurly.Youre notactually goingahead withthis I wouldlike a one-day Travelcard.stupid planOh,my God,Fve gota terribleIbloody am.stomachache.You thinkthis isfull ofclothes Likehell itIt musthavebeenthe prawns.is.Milton Keyneshas manyroundabouts.It ischock-a-block fullof condoms.Mygoodness,this isa verybig fish!Excellent.Excellent.Perfect,keep that It tastesdelicious!going.All alone on ChristmasLook,erm...Nobody oughtto be alone onChristmas“All aloneonChristmasNobody oughttosorry to be a bit forwardand allthatbe aloneon Christmasbut…Tell meIve gotto knowyou dont fancygoing fora Christmasdrink,do youI mean,nothing implied.“Nobody oughtto be aloneonChristmasJust maybego andsee something11“Dont leaveme aloneChristmassyor something.-Youll come back abroken man.-Yeah,Obviously,if youdontwant to,you dontbackbroken fromtoo muchsex.have to.I...You areontheroad todisaster.Im ramblingnow,sorry.No,I amon shaghighway,heading west.No.That wouldbe lovely.Farewell,failure.Oh,great.America,watch out!Here comesColinYay!FrisselLYou know,that is really great.1And hesgotabig knobNormally,Tm reallyshy,takes meages to-Take meto abar.-What kindof barget the courageup,so thank you.Just any bar.Just youraverage American-Explain againwhy youresolate.-Canta manhaveanysecretsUnderstood.Weve beenwaiting forhours,its thefirstEr,bugger off,call melater.ever preview.So whatsthisbignews...isathing of the pastWevebeen givenour partsin thenativityMaybe you can bringus allhope thisyearbar.play Yes,I wouldlike thatvery muchindeed.and Im the lobster.Anything toput offactually runningthe-The lobster-Yeah.country.-In thenativity play-Yeah.First-This isTerence.Hes incharge.-Morning,Lobster.sir.There wasmore thanone lobsterpresent Good morning.I had an unclecalledat thebirth ofJesus Terence.Duh.Hated him,I thinkhe wasa pervert.But Iverymuch likethe lookof you.Best sandwichesin Britain.-This isPat.-Hello,Pat.Try mylovely nutsGoodmorning,sir.Imthehousekeeper.Beautiful muffinforabeautiful lady.Oh,right.I shouldbe easierthan thelastMorning,my futurewife.lot.OK,you canstop there.Thanks.I needa coupleof orangegels.No nappies,no teenagers,no scarywife.By theway,he introducedme asJohn Andthis isNatalie.Shes new,likeyou.but everyonecalls meJack.-Hello,Natalie.-Hello,David.I mean,sir.Oh,fine.Nice to meetyou,Jack.Shit,I cant believe Ive just saidthat.He gotme right,though.Fm justJudy.And nowFve goneand saidshit.Twice.Great,Just Judy!Im sosorry,sir.-No surprises-No surprises.You couldvesaid fuck”and wedhave-Not likethe stagnight-Unlike thestag been in realtrouble.night.Thank you,sir.Ihad a premonition I was-You admitthe prostituteswere agonna fuckup on my firstday.mistake-I do.Oh,piss it!And itwouldve beenmuch betterif Right,Ill getmy thingsand thenlets fixtheydnot turnedout to be menthe country,shall weThat is true.Yeah,I cantsee whynot.-Its all right.-Did you see what I didGood luck,kiddo.-Yes,I did.-I justwent“blurh”.Prime Minister,over here!-Hello there.-Im rightoverhere.Thank you.Yeah,Pm in here.OK.Good.Thank you.-Welcome,Prime Minister.-Woh!I mustAh.work on my wave.Oh,no.How areyou Thatisso inconvenient.-How areyou feeling-Erm...Man,its ahot oneLikeseven inchesfrom themidday sun...Cool.Powerful.-Can Ihelpyou-Yes.Id like aWould youlike tomeet yourhouseholdBudweiser,please.staff一King ofbeers.一Bud comingup.-Yeah.-Yeah.Oh,my God.Well,if itsnot toomuch ofanAre youfrom Englandinconvenience.-Yes.-Oh...-Hell no!-But theresone problem.that isso cute.WhatHi,Fm Stacey.Well,were notthe richestof girls,youJeannie know.Yeah Sowe just havea little bedand nocouch.-This is...-Colin.So youd have toshare with all threeof us.Frissell.And onthis cold,cold nightits gonnabeCute name.crowded andsweaty andstuff.-Jeannie.-Hes fromEngland.And we cant evenafford pyjamas.Yep.Basildon.No-Oh.-Oh.Which means...Wait tillCarol-Anne getshere.Shes crazywe wouldbe naked.about Englishguys.No,no,I thinkitd befine.Uh-huh.-Great.-Erm...-Hey,girls.-Carol-Anne,come meetThething thats gonna makeit moreColin.crowded...Hes fromEngland.Harriet.You haventmet Harriet.Well,step aside,ladies.This oneson me.-Theres afourth-Yeah.-Hey,gorgeous.Dont worry,youre totallygonna likehercos she is thesexy one.Thatisso funny!-Really Wow.-Yeah.-What do you callthat-Er,bottle.-Praise theLord!-Oh,and hesaHBottle.Christian.-What aboutthis-Er,straw.“Straw.”Cheers.-What aboutthis-Table.nIf I could-Table.The same.一Oh,it*sthesame.Then Iwould-Where areyou staying-I dontactually nrilgo wherever you willgoknow.Way uphighFil justcheck into a motellike inthemovies.“Or downlowOh,my God.Oh,my God,that isso cute.Til gowhereveryouwill goNo,no,no,listen.This maybe abit pushyIf Icould turnback...”cos wejust metyou but...One presentonly eachtonight.Whos gotwhy dontyoucomeback and sleepat ourone forDadplace一I have.一Let Mummygo first.n-Fil getit.-No,no,no.I want to chooseFrom bothsides nowmine.“From giveand takeI thinkIwant...And stillsomehow...this one.一I havebought thetraditional Itsloves illusionsthat Irecallnscarf as well I really dontknow lovenbutthis is my other,slightly special,I reallydon*tknowlove at allpersonal one.Thank you.Tears andfearsThats areal first.“And feelingproudnTo sayIloveyou rightout loud-Rip it!-What isit Dreamsand schemesImgoing to...All right,Ill ripit.“And circuscrowdsGod,thats a surprise.Ive lookedat lifethat waynWhat isitOh butnow oldfriends...Its aCD.Joni Mitchell,wow.Oh,my God.To continueyour emotionaleducation.Its amiracle.Youre alldressed.Yes.Come on,come on,come on,wereGoodness.horribly late.Thats great.Come on,then.In thecar.In thecar.-My brilliantwife.一Ah,yes.Well somethingslostActually,do youmind ifI justabsent“But somethingsgainedmyself fora secondnIn livingevery dayAllthat icecream.Er...-Has shenoticed youyet-No.Darling,could youmake surethe kidsareBut the thingaboutromance ispeopleready togoonly gettogether rightat thevery end.-Back ina minute.一All right,take itOf course.easy.Mine first.Mine.By theway,Ifeelbad.Ineverask youhow your lovelife isgoing.Moons andJunesEr-huh!And FerriswheelsNo.The dizzydancing waythat youfeelAs you know,that wasa donedeal longAsevery fairytale comesrealago.Fve lookedat lovethat way“But nowits justanother showUnlessClaudia Schiffercalls,in whichcase“And youleave emlaughing whenyou goIwant youout of here straightaway,“And if you care-you weemotherless mongrel.-Oh!Dont letthem knowNo,no.Well want to have sex inevery“Dont giveyourself awayroom,including yours.Fve lookedat love‘Its a rainy Christmas Eve allover theUKand thequestion iswho isnumber oneon All Iwant for Christmas...the RadioOne chartshow tonight-is you.Is itBlue orthe unexpectedChristmas Right.sensation from Billy MackThank you.Good.You mighthave guessedit although you Good night.may notbelieve it.Ha haha!Ho.Its Billy Mack/Tm,Im dreaming1-You arethe champion!-Shh.“Dreaming ofa white...-Hi,Billy/-Hello.Oh,look,everyone,its Uncle Jamie.‘Were liveacross thenation and youre Hi,Uncle Jamie!number one.Yes,oh,splendid.It*s lovelyto see you all-How willyoubecelebrating-I dontAnd,er...know.Im off,actually.Er,either Icould behavelikeareal ButJamie,darling.rocknroll loserSorry.Man*s gotta do whata mansgottado.and getdrunk with my fatmanager...I hateUncle Jamie!or,when Ihang up,Fil beflooded byinvitations toa largeI hateUncle Jamie.I hateUncleJamie.number ofglamorous parties.And try to listenLetshopeits the latter.Here itis.To hearNumberone,fromBillyMack,“Hear forthe sleigh bells-its Christmas Is All Around/-Oh,“That areringing inthe snow...”Jesus,not thatcrap again.Gatwick airport,please.Fast asyou can.nIfeelitinmyfingers...nl-l-IBill,its foryou,babe.Tm dreamingnOfa white...Hello.Elton.-Night,Sarah.-Night,Karl.0-0fcourse.Of course.I,er...Send anembarrassingly bigcar and1*11be there.-Merry Christmas.一Merry Christmas.nI want youto know,may yourdayIt*sgonnabe a verygoodChristmas.May yourday-Right.-Id betterbe gettinginside,1Be so merry,merry andbright...actually.Hi,babe,hows itgoing Yeah.-My mumand...you know.-Of course,yeah.Its gettingabitcold.Is it all party,party,party downthereErm...All of your Christmases-Well,goodnight.一Night.And mayallEr...“And mayallofyour ChristmasesEr...OK.“Baby mayyour days“May yourdays bemerry Well,I was there fora minuteor twoandMerry,somerry...then Ihad anepiphany.-Sam,time fordinner.-Im nothungry.-Really-Yeah.Sam,Fve donechicken kebabs.Come on.Just comeup.Look at the signonthedoor.So whatwas thisepiphanyRight.Erm,it...it wasabout Christmas.Its alittle long.You realisedit wasall around.Dreaming,dreaming ofa white,white No.I realisedthat Christmas is the timeHChristmas...to bewith the people youlove.Fil getit.Right.-Oh,hi.-Who isit And I realisedthat,as direchance andItscarol singers.fateful cockupwould haveit,Give them a quidand tellthem tobugger hereI am,off.mid-fifties,Silent nightand withoutknowing it,Ive spentmostnHoly nightofmyadult lifeAll is calmwith achubby employee.Allisbright And,much asit grievesmetosay it,itRound yonvirgin mightbe thatthepeopleIloveis,in fact...Mother andchild you.Holy infantWell,this isasurprise.So tenderand mildYeah.Sleep inheavenly peaceTen minutesat Elton Johns and youreSleep inheavenly peacegaynSilent nightNo,look.Im serioushere.nHoly nightI leftElton*sanda heftynumber of“Shepherds quakehalf-naked chickswith theirmouths openinAt thesight...order tohang outwith you at Christmas.Merry Christmas.-Well,Bill...-Its aterrible,terriblemistake,chubs...HGlories streambutyou turnout to be thefucking love ofFrom heavenafarmy life.“Heavenly hostssing alleluiaAndto behonest,despite allmy“Christ thesaviour isborncomplaining...“Christ thesaviour isborn”we havehadawonderful life.Enough.Enough now.Well...What thehell areyou doinghere Yourethank you.supposed tobe atEltonJohns.I mean,come on,its beenan honour.Oh.Ifeelvery proud.Part ofthe servicenow.Trying togetOh,look,dont bea moron.round everyoneby New Year*sEve.Come on,lets getpissed andwatchporn.Ah.Hello.Does Natalielive hereDearsir,Dear David,-No,she doesnt.-Oh dear.OK.Merry ChristmasandI hope youhavea-Are yousinging carols-Er,no.No,Fmvery happyNewYear.not.Tm verysorry about thethingthat-Please,sir,please.-Please.happened.Well,I supposeIcould.It wasa veryodd momentandIfeel likePlease.a prizeidiot.-All right.nParticularly because-Good KingWenceslas lookedout,if you cant sayit atChristmas,when can“On thefeast ofStephennyou,eh Whenthe snowlay roundaboutnTm actuallyyours.With love,your Deepand crispand even1Natalie.Brightly shonethe moonthat night”Jack,yeah,I needa car.-Hello.Sorry todisturb.Right now.Thank you.-Does Natalielive here-No.Oh,dont waitup.She livesnext door.Ah.Brilliant.Id liketogoto Wandsworth,the dodgyYoure notwho I think youare,are youend.Very good,sir.Yes andIm sorry about all the cockups.nTell mehowyouwant meMy cabinetare absolutecrap.We hopeto“Ican feelitin your heart beatdo betternext year.nI knowyoulike whatyou see...”Merry Christmasto you.Harris Street.What number,sir-Ah.Hello.Oh,God,itsthelongest streetintheIs,er,Natalie inOh,where thefuck ismy fuckingcoatworld andI haveabsolutely noidea.-Oh.Hello.-Hello.WrapyourlovearoundmeErm,this ismy mumand mydad and“Youre soexcited Ican feelyou gettingmyUncle Tonyand myAuntie Glynne.hotter-Hello.-Very nicetomeetyou.Hello,does Natalielive hereAnd,erm...this isthe Prime Minister.-No.-Right,fine,thankyou.Sorry toYes,we canseethat,darling.disturb.And erm,unfortunately,were verylate.Here,arent..Its theschool Christmasconcert,you see,Arent you thePrime MinisterDavid.-Er,yes.In fact,I am.Merry Christmas.一All thelocal schoolshave joinedtogether,I thinkabout youall the time,actually.even StBasils...-And I think yourethe manthatI-Too muchdetail,Mum.-Anyway,how really...can wehelp,sir-Were here.Well,I...just neededNatalie......love.-Oh,wow.on somestate business.That reallywasjustroundthecorner.Er...-Oh.-Right,yes.Ofcourse.Erm...Right,er...Ow!Well,perhaps youshould comeon later,Well,look,I...Plumpy.I thinkId betternot come in,you knowEr,Natalie.Nobody wantssome politicianstealing theI dontwant tomakeyoulateforthekids thunder.concert.No,please come.Itll begreat.f-No,its nothing,really.-Keith llbe veryNo,Fd...Fd betternot.disappointed.-No,really,it doesn*t matter.-The ButI willbeverysorry todrive awayoctopuscostumes takenme months.from you.Just giveme onesecond.Eight isa lot of legs,David.Johns beenvery mysterious.Where didMm.Erm...you twomeetListen,whydontI giveyoualift-Erm...erm...-Um...um...and thenwecantalk aboutthis stateNo!business businessinthecar.Come onin.We canwatch fromOK.backstage.-Lovely,yes.-Thank you.OK.Terry,Iwont be long.Hold tight,everybody.Look,thishastobeaverysecret visit,-How faris thisplace-Just roundthe OKcorner.Dont worry.This wasmy school.I knowAh,right.Well,er...my wayaround.Come on.I just wanted tosay...Look,the sheepare readyalready andyourenot even...thankyou forthe Christmas card.-Oh,David.-Ah!Oh,how areyouYoure welcome.Hi,guys.Hey,hey,hey.You allrightLook,Im sosorryaboutthat day.What thehell areyou doinghereI camein andhe slinkedtowards meand-Well,you know...-We alwaystell yourtherewasafiresecretaryand hesthePresidentofthe Unitedthat thesethings aregoing onbutitneverStates andnothing happened,I promise.occurred tome youdactually turnup.I justfelt likesuch a fool because...I thoughtit wastime I did.Erm,some ofthe staffhave decidedtoI didntwant anyoneto see,so Fmgonna helpouthide somewhere.and for this,we ask youtoforgive us.Goodluck,Daisy,good luck,Bernie.Thank you.nIve neverbeen gladderto seemy stupidI don*twant a lot for Christmasbigbrother.n-Thank you.-All right.Theres justone thingIneed I dont careOh,now.We haventbeen introduced.aboutthe presents Underneath thenRight.Well,this isGavin.Christmas tree I just wantyoufor my-Hello,Gavin.-My copper.own“More than youcould ever knowAndthis isNatalie,whos my,erm...Make my wish come true All Iwant forn-who*smy,erm,catering manager.-Oh.ChristmasIs youn-Hi.-Catering manager.I dontwant a lot forChristmas“TheresnWatch hekeeps hishands offyou.justonethingIneedI dontcareabout20years ago,youdhavebeen histype.thepresents“UnderneaththeChristmasnFil bevery careful.Dont trysomething,treeI justwantyoufor my own“Morethan youcould everknow“Make mywishsir,just becauseits Christmas.cometrue”AH Iwant forChristmas is-No,seriously.you“You babyCome on.Showtime.Quickly.-Look,see youafter,yeah-Probably.n nOh,all thelights areshining Sobrightlyeverywhere-Thank you,PrimeMinister.-Its allAndthe soundof childrenslaughter fillsright.the air-Come on.-Right.n Laughterfills theairCatch afalling star and putitin yourn nEveryoneis singingOh yeahI hearpocketthosesleighbellsringing Santawont youSaveit forarainydaybring memy honey“Wont youpleaseCatch afalling starAnd putitinyourbring mybaby tomepocketNever letit fadeawaynI dontwantalotforChristmasNever letit fadeawayThis isall Pmasking forAll Im askingNever letit fadeaway”fornI justwanna seemy babyHillierSchool wouldnow liketo presentStandingright outsidemy doortheirChristmasnumber.“Cos I justwantyouformy ownLeadvocals byten-year-old JoannanMorethanyoucouldeverknow YouwillAnderson,ever knowbackingvocals coordinatedby herMakemywishcome truemother,“All Iwant forChristmasthe greatMrs JeanAnderson.IsyouDarling.Ooh,darlings!Oh,you werewonderful.nAll Iwant forChristmas Mylittle lobster,you wereso...“And youand youWhatis that word“And youand youAll Iwant forOrange.Christmas Come on,Fve gottreats athome.Dad*s11AllIwantforChristmas coming.Right.Sammy!Fantastic show!ClassicSo,notquiteas secretas wedhoped.drumming,son.-What dowe donow-Smile.Little bow.-Thanks.Plan didntwork,though.-TellAnd awave.her,then.Absolutely noidea.I mean,can you-Tell herwhat-That youlove her.imagine Noway.Anyway,they flytonight.Fil seeyoulater,allrightEven better.Sam,youve got nothing toFilspeak toyou.Bye.lose andyoull alwaysregret itif youdont.Tell me,ifyou were inmy position,whatInever toldyour mumenough.would youdoI should have told hereverydaybecauseWhat positionisthatshe wasperfect everyday.Youve seenthe films,kiddo.It aintoverImagine yourhusband bought a goldtillits over.necklaceOK,Dad.Lets doit.Lets gogettheshitand,come Christmas,gave ittokicked outofusby love.somebody else.Yes.一Oh,Karen...一Would youwait aroundto-Just givemeonesec.-Yeah.find out...-Oh,Fm sorry.-Sorry.-Goodnight.-Night,darling.Happy ThafsOK.Christmas.-My fault.-No,no,really,it wasnt.Would youwait aroundto findout if its YoureSams dad,arent youjusta necklaceYeah.Stepdad,actually.-Daniel.-Im Carol.or ifits sex andanecklace Carol.or if,worst ofall,its anecklace andloveWould youstay Knowinglife would-OK,Fm back.Lets go.一Yeah.Well...alwaysbealittlebit worseI hopewell meetagain,Karen.-Or would you cutand run-Oh,God.Carol.I am sointhe wrong.-Fil makesure wedo.-Yeah Good.A classicfool.-Tell her.-WhatYes,but youvealso madea fooloutofme.-You know...-Dont besuch anarse.Youve madethe lifeI leadfoolish,too.-Look,there she is.-WhereOver there.-Do youwanttomake arun forit-Oh,no.Hold on tothat.Its OK,well goto theairport.I knowa-You thinkI should-Yeah.short cut.-OK.-Yes!Good evening.I musthave leftthem whereI washaving-Senhor Barros-Sim.a cup of coffee.I amhere toask yourdaughter Apparentlyheisgoing tokill Aurelia.for herhands inmarriage.Cool!You wantto marrymy daughterJoanna.Yes.Sam-I thoughtyou didntknow my name.-Come here,thereisa manatthedoor.Course Ido.He wants to marry you.Oh,Jesus.Here,Fve gottarun.But Ivenever seenhim before.-Where isAurelia-Why shouldI tellWhocares youYouregoing tosell metoacomplete Thisman wantsto marryher.strangerSell Whosaid sellFil payhim.He cantdothat-shes ourbest waitress.Pardon me.Im meaningyour otherBoa noite,Aurelia.daughter-Aurelia.Boa noite,Jamie.Shes nothere-shes atwork.FiltakeBeautiful Aurelia...you.Ive comeherewitha viewto askingyou...You!Stay here.to marriageme.As ifIwould.Stupid!I know I seemsan insaneperson becauseIFather isabout tosell Aureliaasaslave tohardly knowsyouthis Englishman.but sometimesthings aresoWait.Wait.transparency,Oh,no.they dontneed evidentialproof.You betternot say yes,Father.Shut up,Miss Dunkin*Donut

2003.And Iwill inhabithere,oryou can inhabit-Look,were notactually flying.-You withmeinEngland.cant comethrough.Definitely gofor England,girl.Youll meetPrince William-then you canNot evento letthe boysay goodbyeto themarry himinstead.loveofhis lifeOfcourseI dontexpecting youtobeasNo.foolish asme,-Im sorry,Sam.-Boarding pass,sir andof courseI predictionyou sayno...Just amoment,I knowFve gotit.Would butits ChristmasandI just wantedto...you hangontothat check.-Unless...-What Oh,God-sayyes,you skinnymoron.Thank you.doinghere-I mightget ashag atlast.-Naughty.That willbe nice.-Got togo.-Bye.Yes isbeing myanswer.Yahoo!Easy question.Now,this isHarriet.What didyou say-Hi.Really pleasedtomeetyou.-Hello,Yes,of course.Harriet.Bravo!Ihopeyoudontmind,I sortof broughtYoulearned Englishmy sisterto stay.Just incases.This isCarla.She*srealfriendly.I maynot alwaysloveyouHello,you mustbe Tony.But longasthereare starsabove you...I heardyouweregorgeous.Hello,Daisy.“God only knows what Id be withoutH-This onesGreta.-Hello,Greta.you...Til makeyousosure about it...”God only knows what Id be without youHereshe is.This isAurelia.This isJuliet.God only knows what Id be withoutThis isPeter.you...”-Mark,didnt seeyou there.-Just-God,you weighalot.-Oh,shut yourthoughtId tagalong.face.“God only knows what Id be without younJamiesfriends areso good-looking.God only knowsnHe nevertells methis.God only knows whatId bewithout youIthink maybenowI have madethe“God only knows whatId bewithout youwrongchoice,God onlyknowspicked wrongEnglishman.nShe cantspeak Englishproperly.God onlyknows whatId bewithout youDad!Dad!God onlyknows whatId bewithout youOh,God.n God onlyknows-Did youget usany presents-Matter offact,Idid.Inthepresence ofGod,Peter andJulietThanks,Dad.have giventheir consent-How areyou-Fm fine.Fm fine.and madetheir marriagevows toeachGood tohave youback.other.Comeon.Home.Theyve declaredtheir marriageby theTheresheis.giving ofrings.-Hi,-Hello.I thereforeproclaim thatthey are-Aw,he shouldhave kissedher.-No,husband andwife.thats cool.And youresisted thetemptation forsurprises.-Allright-Hey.What areyou twoYeah,Im maturenow.Love,love,love-Food-No,thanks.Tove,love,love Yeah,abitdodgy,isnt it11-Tove,love,love...-Did youdo thisLooks likea deadbabys finger.Oooh.Er,no.Oh.Tastes like it,too.Love,love,love,love ImColin,by theway.Theres nothingyoucandothatcantbe-Im Nancy.-Wicked.done”-What do youdo,Nancy-Im acook.Oh,it...-Ever doweddings-Yes,Ido.Theres nothingyoucansing thatcan*t-They shouldveasked youto dothis onebesung-They did.Theres nothingyoucansay butyoucan-God,I wishyou hadnthave turneditlearn howto playthe gamedown.-I didnt.Its easyRight.-Fve workedout whyIcantfind trueAllyou need islovelove.-Why isthatAll youneed islove Englishgirls.Theyre stuckup,yousee.nAll youneedislove,love And I amprimarily attractiveto girlsLoveisallyouneed...”who arecooler,game fora laugh.Look,its Pikey.Hello!What thehell areyoudoinghere LikeAmerican girls.So Ishould justgo toOh,Ijustpopped overto borrowsome oldAmerica!CDs.Id get a girlfriendthere instantly.What-The ladyofthehouse letyou in,did shedoyou think-Yeah.Ithinkit*s crap,Colin.-Lovely,obliging girl.-Yeah.Thats whereyoure wrong.I thoughtId popbackandsee if she*s Americangirls woulddig mewith mybetter.This isgood.cute Britishaccent.-Oh.-Listen,erm,Fve beenthinking.-You donthaveacute Britishaccent.一Ithinkwe oughtto takeMum out for herGod onlyknows whatId bewithout youbirthday onFriday.What doyou thinkGod onlyknows whatId bewithoutyou-Ijustfeel wevebeen badsons thisyear.God onlyknows-Sounds fine.A bitboring butfine.nGod onlyknows whatId bewithout youHurryup,big boy!“God onlyknows whatId bewithout youFmnaked andIwantyouatleast twice“God onlyknowsbefore Jamiegets home.“God onlyknows whatId bewithout youI amsohappy toseeyou!God onlyknows whatId bewithout youGodonlyknows-Delicious delicacy-Er,no,thanks.“Godonlyknows whatId bewithout youTasteexplosionYes,Ido!Fm going toAmerica.n“GodonlyknowswhatIdbewithoutyouIthinkFvegotit allfigured outnGodonlyknowsMy heartkeeps callingAndIkeep onnGodonlyknowswhatIdbewithoutyou fallingnGodonlyknowswhatIdbewithoutyou Overand overagain“Godonlyknows“The sadstory alwaysends thesameGod onlyknowswhatIdbewithoutyou”Me standing inthepouring rainRippedby dj-oRiIt seemsno matterwhatIdo“Love canbeamany splendoredthingIt tearsmyheartin two“Cant denythe joyit brings“The trouble with loveis The troubleA dozenroses,diamond ringswith loven nDreamsfor saleand fairytales It can tear you up inside Itcan tear youItll makeyou heara symphony“And up insideyou justwant the world tosee Butlikea“Make yourheart believe a lie“Make yourdrugthat makesyou blindItll foolya heart believe a lien n!every timeThe troublewith loveis ItIt sstronger than your pridecantear youupinside“The troublewith loveis Itsinyour“Make yourheartbelievealieheart,its inyour soulItsstronger thanyour pride“It doesnt care how fast you fall Youre“The troublewith loveis losingthat controlnIt doesntcare howfast youfall“And you cant refuse the callAndyoucant refusethecall“See you got no say atallSee yougotnosay atall Thetroublewith loveisOoh,yeahnNow I was onceafool,its trueI playedItcantearyouupinsideOohnthe gameby all the rules“But nowmy“Your eyestell mehowyouwant meIworlds adeeper blueTm sadderbutImcanfeelitinyour heartbeatwisertoonI sworeId neverlove againnIswore myheart wouldnever mend“Said lovewasnt worththe pain“But thenI hearit callmy name“ThetroublewithloveisnIt cantearyouup insideMakeyourheartbelievealieIts strongerthanyourpride“ThetroublewithloveisIt doesntcarehowfastyoufallAnd youcantrefusethe callSeeyougotnosayat allEverytime Iturn aroundYouresoexcitedIcanfeelyougettinghotterOh babyIll takeyou down,Illtakeyoudown“Wherenoonesevergone before“Andifyouwant morenIf youwantmore,more,morenThen jumpformylove“Jump in“And feelmy touchJumpIf youwanttotaste mykissesin thenightThen jumpformyloven nIknow myheart Iknow myheart canmakeyou happyJumpin You know thesearms canfillyou upJumpIfyouwanttotastemykissesin thenightThen jumpformyloveDonated bySergeiKL$Colin,yourealonely,ugly arsehole.When shefirst mentionedwhats abouttoAccept it.happen,nNever.IamColin,God ofSex.Tm juston Isaid,Over mydead body.the wrongcontinent,thats all.And shesaid,No,Daniel,over mine.Bit ofquiet whilewe finishthe lighting,And asusual,my darlinggirl...guys!-The traffictoday wasjust...-and Samsdarling mumwas right.Unbelievable.So shesgoing tosay herfinal farewelltoJudy,could youtake thetop offthis younot throughme but,inevitably,ever sotimecoolly,through theimmortal geniusof theLightingneed toknow when were gonnaBaysee the,erm,nipples andwhenwe*renot.City Rollers.Yes,OK.Right.At leastits niceand Bye bye baby,baby goodbyewarminhere.“Goodbye baby,baby byebyeNot alwaysthe case,isitBye bye babyI wasstandinginfor BradPitt onceon“Dont makeme cryGoodbye baby,babybye byeSevenYears InTibet...“Youre theone girlin townFd marry-Yes,yeah.-Bloody freezing...nGirl Idmarryyounow ifI werefree IGuys,times tightand wehave toget thewishit couldbeactors in.nI couldloveyoubut whybegin itn-Fine.-I promiseIwon*tlook.Cos thereaint anyfuture init“Shes gotme butImnotfree so...Right,lets haveanother lookat that,Bye byebaby,baby goodbyeGoodbyeplease.baby,baby byebyeCan youjust putyour handson herbreastsnByebyebaby,dont makeme cry-OK,yeah.Is thatallright-Yes.nGoodbye baby,baby byebyeFil warmthem up!“Wish Inever hadknown you...”-And massagethem,please.-Right.Do youlove himItsjunction13thats justmurder,isntEr,er,whatit Totalgridlock thismorning.No,1-1just thoughtFd askbluntly inJoandIhadalotoftime toprepare forcaseit wasthe rightquestionthis moment.andyouneeded someoneto talkto aboutSomeofherrequests,it andnoonehad everasked you.for instance,thatIshould bringClaudiaNo.No.No isthe answer.Absolutely not.Schiffer asmy dateto thefuneral,H...onmyfinger...Iwasconfident sheexpected metoSo thatsa no,thenignore.Yes.Erm...But othersshe waspretty damnclearabout.Byebyebaby,baby goodbye-Youknowthat-Yes.1Goodbye baby,baby byebye...Andsodoes Karl.This DJ,what doyou reckonThink about it,for allour sakes.-The worstin history-Probably.Its Christmas.Ithinkitallhangs onthe nextsong.Certainly.Excellent.Will do.Now heresone forthe lovers.Thanks,boss.-Hi,Sarah.-Hi,Karl.Thats quitea fewofyou,I shouldntbe Babe.Absolutely,fire away.surprised anda half.Mia,Mia,wouldyouturn thatdown“And theycalled it...Whatisthat-Hes doneit,its official.-Worst DJinThat wastheChristmaseffort fromthethe world.once greatBillyMack.Oh,I guesstheyll neverknow...Sarahs waitingforyou.Oh,dear me,how arethe mightyfallen.Oh,yes,of course,erm...Icansafely saythat isthe worstrecordGreat,er,good,good.Fve heardthis century...How areyoudoing,Mia Settlingin fineOh,and coincidentally,I believeBilly willLearningwho to avoid bea guestAbsolutely.onmyfriend Mikesshow ina few-Harry-Sarah,minutes time.switch offyour phoneand tellme exactlyWelcome back,Bill.how longitisthat youvebeen workinghere.Billy,welcome backto theairwaves.Two years,seven months,New Christmassingle,cover ofLove IsAllthree daysand,I suppose,what,two Around.hours Exceptweve changedthe wordlove toAndhow longhave youbeenin love with“Christmas”.Karl,our enigmaticchief designerYes,isthatan important message toyou,Um...BillTwo years,seven months,three daysand,Not really,Mike.I suppose,an hourand30minutes.Christmas isa timefor peoplewithThought asmuch.someone theylove intheir lives.-And thatsnot you-Thats notme,-Do youthink everybodyknows-Yes.Michael.-Doyouthink Karlknows-Yes.When Iwas youngand successful,I wasOh,that is...that isbad news.greedy andfoolishI justthought thatmaybe thetime hadand nowFm leftwith noone,wrinkledcome todo somethingabout it.and alone.-Like what-Invite himoutfora drink-Wow.Thanks forthat,Bill.-For whatthencasually mentionyoud liketo marryFor actuallygiving areal answerto ahimand havelots ofsexandbabies.question.Itdoesn*t oftenhappen hereat RadioAfter this,the news.Watford,Icantell you.Is the new primeminister introuble-Ask meanything,Fil tellyouthetruth.alreadyn n-Best shag you everhad IfeelitinmyfingersIfeelitinmytoes一Britney Spears.一Wow.-OK.Whats next一The Presidentsvisit.No,only kidding!Ah,yes,yes.I fearthis isgoing tobea-She wasrubbish.-OK,heresone.difficult oneto play.Alex.How doyouthinkthenewrecord Theresa strongfeeling inthe partywecompares toyour old,classic stuffmustnt allowourselves tobe bulliedComeon,Mikey,you knowaswellasIdo-likethelast government.-Here,here.the recordscrap.Thisisour firstreally importanttest,letsBut wouldntitbegreatifnumberonetake astand.this ChristmasRight.Right.I understandthat butI havewasntsome smugteenager decided...but anold ex-heroin addictsearching fornotto.Not thistime.a comebackat anypriceThose youngpopsters comeChristmas Letsnot forgetthat Americaisthemostwill bestretched outnaked powerfulcountry inthe world.withacute birdbalancing ontheir ballsFm notgoingtoact likea petulantchild.and Filbe stuckin somedingy flatwith Whodoyouhavetoscrew roundhere tomemanager Joe,get acupoftea anda biscuitugliestman intheworld,Right.flicking miserablebecause ourfucking Yeah,comein.gamble didntpay off.-These arefromtheTreasury...-Uh-huh.So ifyou believein FatherChristmas,...and theseare foryou.children,like yourUncle Billydoes,buy myExcellent.Thanks alot.festering turdofarecord.Iwashoping youdwin,not thatIwouldnt havebeen niceto the other bloke,And particularlyenjoy theincredible justalways givenhim theboring biscuitswithcrassness nochocolate.ofthemoment wetrytosqueeze anThanks verymuch.Thanks...extra syllableinto thefourth line.Natalie.Ithinkyoure referringto God,comeon,getagrip.Youre thenMIf youreallyloveChristmas...PrimeMinister,for Godssake.Comeonand letit snow/Ouch.So whatdoyoureckon toour newprimeSo,here itisonemore time,the darkhorseforthisyears Christmasnumberone,ministerChristmas IsAllAround.Thank you,Billy.Oh,I likehim.Icantunderstand whyhes-Nein!-Ja,darling!not married,though.Right,theChristmasparty,not myYouknowthetype,hes marriedto hisjob.favourite nightoftheyearEither thator gayasapicnic basket.and yourunhappy jobto organise.-Tell me.-Its basic,really.Excuse me,Judy,ifyoucould justlower Findavenue,over-order onthe drinks,the nipplesbulk buythe guacamole-and cheatthemabit tothe left-OK.and advisethe girlstoavoidKevin iftheyI havetosay,Judy,this isarealpleasure,want theirbreasts unfondled.its lovelyto findsomeone Ican actually-Wives andfamily andstuff-Yeah.Ichat to.mean,not children.-Thank you!-Oh,well,you know.But theirwives andgirlfriends,et cetera.-And ditto.一Thank you.Oh,Christ,you haventgotsomehorribleThe moveagain,please,Judy.six-foot,tight-T-shirt-wearing boyfriend-Ooh,sorry.-Oh,God,sorry.You allNo.Ill justbe hangingaround therightmistletoe,hoping tobe kissed.-Exciting news!-What ReallyFveboughtaticket tothe States.Fm offin Right.three weeks.-No.-Yes!He nowspends allthetimeinhis room.I-To afantastic placecalled Wisconsin.mean,hell beup therenow.-No!-Thats notunusual.My horridson...一Yes!Wisconsin babes,here comesSir Colin!BernardNo,Col!There area fewbabes inAmerica,Bernard.Stays inhisroomallthetime.I grantyou,Thank goodness.but theyregoing outwith rich,attractive Yeah,but Karen,this isallthetime.guys.Im afraidthat theressomething reallyTone,youre justjealous.wrong,you knowYouknow perfectlywell thatanybarI mean,clearly its about hismumanywhere inAmerica butChrist,he mightbe injectingheroininto his eyeballs forall Iknow.contains tengirls morebeautiful andmore At the ageof11likely tohavesexwithmeWell,maybe nothiseyeballs,then.-than thewhole oftheUnitedKingdom.Maybe justhis veins.-Thatistotal bollocks.Youre mad.The problemis hismum alwaysused toNo,Im wise.Stateside Iam Princetalktohim,youknow,and...William withouttheweirdfamily.Idontknow,this wholestepfather thingseemssuddenly tosomehow matter-No,Colin,no!-Yes!likeitnever didbefore.-Nyet!-Da!Listen,it wasalways goingtobea totallyshittime.-Why-Because I...Just bepatient.thought itdbe somethingworse.And maybecheck theroom forneedles.Worse thanthe totalagony ofbeing inloveAndthen whenhe sometimesdoes comeEr...out,its obvioushes beencrying.No,youre right.Ifs justsuch aridiculous waste.Total agony.And nowifitsgoingtoruin Samslife as-Night,Sarah.-Night,Karl.well...Ijustdontknow.Yeah,absolutely.Get agrip.Free asa bird.Fire away.People hatesissies.Alone again.No onesever gonnashagyouifyoucry allNaturally.thetime.-Fil dealwith it.-Mm.Yeah.Absolutely.-Ah.Natalie.-Sir.Helpful.Thanks.So,whats theproblem,Samuel Natalie.Is itjust Mumor isit somethingelse,huh Erm,Im startingtofeel...Maybe schooluncomfortable aboutus workingso closelyAreyou beingbullied everydayOr isit somethingworse andme knowingso littleaboutyou,itCan yougivemeany cluesatallseems elitistand wrong.-You reallywanttoknow-Ireallywant Well,theres notmuch toknow.toknow.Well,erm,where doyou live,for instanceEventhoughyouwontbeabletohelp Wandsworth.The dodgyend.-Ah,mysisterlives inWandsworth.-Oh.Even ifthats thecase,yeah.So whichexactly isthe dodgyendOK.Well...Attheendofthe highstreet,Harristruth is,actually...Street,near theQueens Head.Im inlove.Sorry一Oh,yeah,yeah,that isdodgy.-Hm.IknowIshouldbe thinkingabout MumErm,andyoulive withyour husbandandIambut Fminlove.BoyfriendI wasbefore shedied andthere*s nothingI-Three illegitimatebut charmingchildrencan doaboutit.-No.-Arent youabityoung tobe inlove-Ivejustsplit upwithmyboyfriend,so ImAh,well.OK,well...-Ah.Sorry.-No,its fine.Imalittle relieved.Im wellshotofhim.No.back withmy mumand dadforawhile.-He saidIwasgetting fat.-I begyour Yeah.I understandyouve gota prizeforpardon ourcompetition winners.He saidno onedfancy agirl withthighs Yes,Ihave,Ant orDec.the sizeof treetrunks.Itsapersonalised felt-tip pen.Not anice guy,actually,intheend.Oh,great.No.Its brilliant.It evenwrites onglass,Youknow,erm...so ifyouve gota framedpicture,like,forbeing PrimeMinister,Icouldjusthavehim instance,thisoneof Blue,murdered.youcanjust writeon it.Thank you,sir.Fil thinkaboutit.Er,alotof kidswatching,Billy.Oh,yeah.Do.The SASare absolutelycharming.Hiya,kids.Ruthless,trained killersare justa phoneHeres animportantmessagefrom yourcallaway.Uncle Bill-Oh,God.dont buydrugs.Didyouhave thiskindofproblem Becomea popstarandthey giveyou themforfree.Yeah,course youdid,you saucyminx.AndIdo believeitsacommercial break.So,lets go.We candefinitely crackthis.Well seeyou soon.Bye-bye.nRemember,Iwasa kidonce,too.AllIwantforChristmasisyou”So,comeon,it*s someoneat school.-Look athim!Eurh!一Just aminute.Right-Yeah.一Uh-huh.Good,good.Actually,theyre notfunny.Theyre art.And whatdoes she,he,feel aboutyou OK,lets say,er,Thursday,my place.SHE doesnteven knowmyname.Great.Ive gotJuliet ontheotherline,sheAnd evenifshedid,shed despiseme.wantstoaskyoua favour.Shes thecoolest girlin school.-OK,fine.-Thanks and,er,be nice.And everyoneworships herbecause shes-Im alwaysnice.-YouknowwhatI1heaven.mean,Marky,be friendly.Good.Good.-Im always...-MarkWell,Hi.How wasthe honeymoonbasicallyyoure fucked,arent youIt wasgreat.Thanks forthe gorgeousHithere andwelcome back.sendoff.So,three weekstill Christmas,lookslike-So,what canIdoforyou-Its onlyathe realcompetition isgonnabeBlue.tiny favour.,I sawthem onthe showlast week.They Ivejust triedthe weddingvideo andits awerentvery niceabout myrecord.disaster.No.Little scamps.-1ts comeout allblue andwibbly.*-ImBut very,very talentedmusicians.sorry.。