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good norbad.It justis whatit is.And I said,Oh myGod,this isgoing tosuck.And itdid,and itdidnt.And ittook abouta year.And you knowhow there are peoplethat,when theyrealize thatvulnerability andtendernessare important,that theysurrender andwalk intoit.A:thatsnot me,and B:I donteven hangout withpeople likethat.For me,it was a yearlongstreet fight.It was a slugfest.Vulnerability pushed,I pushedback.I lostthe fight,but probablywonmy lifeback.And so then Iwent backinto the research andspent thenext coupleofyears reallytrying to understand whatthey,the whole-hearted,whatchoices they were making,and what we aredoing with vulnerability.Whydo westruggle withit somuch AmI alonein strugglingwith vulnerabilityNo.So this is what I learned.We numb vulnerability一一when werewaiting for thecall.It wasfunny,I sentsomething outon Twitterandon Facebookthat says,How wouldyou definevulnerability Whatmakes youfeelvulnerable Andwithin anhour and a half,I had150responses.BecauseI wantedto knowwhats outthere.Having to ask myhusband forhelp becauseImsick,and werenewly married;initiating sexwith myhusband;initiating sexwithmy wife;being turneddown;asking someoneout;waiting forthe doctortocall back;getting laidoff;laying offpeople.This is the worldwe livein.We livein avulnerable world.And one of the ways wedeal withit iswe numbvulnerability.And I think theresevidence--and its not theonly reasonthisevidence exists,but I think itsa hugecause一一We arethe mostin-debt…obese…addicted andmedicated adultcohort inU.S.history.The problemis一一and Ilearned thisfrom theresearch一一that you cannot selectively numbemotion.You cantsay,heres thebad stuff.Heres vulnerability,heres grief,heres shame,heres fear,heres disappointment.I dontwant to feel these.Im going to have a coupleof beersand abanana nutmuffin.I dontwant tofeel these.And Iknow thatsknowing laughter.Ihack intoyour livesfor aliving.God.You cantnumb thosehard feelingswithout numbingthe otheraffects,our emotions.You cannotselectivelynumb.So whenwe numbthose,we numbjoy,we numbgratitude,wenumbhappiness.And then,we aremiserable,and weare lookingfor purposeand meaning,and then we feelvulnerable,sothenwe have a coupleof beersandabanana nutmuffin.And itbecomesthis dangerouscycle.One of the things that Ithink weneed to think aboutis whyandhow wenumb.And it doesnt justhave to be addiction.The otherthing wedois wemake everything thats uncertaincertain.Religion hasgone fromabelief infaith andmystery tocertainty.Im right,youre wrong.Shutup.Thats it.Just certain.The moreafraid weare,the morevulnerablewe are,the moreafraid weare.This iswhat politicslooks liketoday.Theres nodiscourse anymore.Theres noconversation.Theres justblame.You know how blameis describedin theresearch Away todischarge painanddiscomfort.We perfect.If theresanyone whowants theirlife tolooklike this,it wouldbe me,but itdoesnt work.Because whatwe dois wetakefat fromour buttsand putit inour cheeks.Which just,I hopein100years,people willlook backand go,Wow.And weperfect,most dangerously,our children.Let metell youwhatwe think about children.Theyre hardwired for strugglewhen theygethere.And whenyou holdthose perfectlittle babiesin yourhand,our jobisnot to say,Look ather,shes perfect.My jobis justto keepher perfect一一make sureshe makesthe tennisteam byfifth gradeand Yaleby seventh.Thats not our job.Our jobis tolook and say,You knowwhat Youreimperfect,and yourewiredforstruggle,but you are worthy of love andbelonging.Thats ourjob.Show mea generationof kidsraised likethat,and wellend theproblems,Ithink,that wesee today.We pretendthat whatwedo doesnt have aneffect onpeople.We dothat inour personallives.We dothat corporate一一whether itsa bailout,an oilspill...a recall.We pretendlike whatwere doingdoesnthave a hugeimpact onother people.I wouldsay tocompanies,this isnotourfirst rodeo,people.We justneedyou to be authenticand realandsay…Were sorry.Well fixit.But theresanother way,and Illleave youwith this.This iswhat・I havefound:To letourselves be seen,deeply seen,vulnerably seen••to lovewith ourwhole hearts,even thoughtheres noguarantee--and thatsreallyhard,and I can tell you asa parent,thats excruciatinglydifficult--to practicegratitude andjoy inthose momentsof terror,when werewondering,Can I love youthis muchCan Ibelieve inthis thispassionatelyCan Ibe thisfierce aboutthis justto be able tostop and,instead ofcatastrophizingwhat mighthappen,tosay,Im justso grateful,becauseto feelthis vulnerablemeans Im alive.And thelast,which Ithink isprobablythe mostimportant,is to believe thatwere enough.Because whenwework froma place,Ibelieve,that says,Im enough…thenwestop screamingand startlistening,were kinder and gentlerto the people aroundus,and werekinderandgentlerto ourselves.Thats allI have.Thank you.那我就这么开始吧几年前，一个活动策划人打电话给我，因为我当时要做一个演讲她在电话里说〃我真很苦恼该如何在宣传单上介绍你‘我心想，怎么会苦恼呢？她继续道〃你看，我听过你的演讲，我觉得我可以称你为研究者，可我担心的是，如果我这么称呼你，没人会来听，因为大家普遍认为研究员很无趣而且脱离现实好然后她说〃但是我喜欢你的演讲，就跟讲故事一样很吸引人我想来想去，还是觉得称你为讲故事的人比较妥当’而那个做学术的，感到不安的我脱口而出道〃你要叫我什么？’她说〃我要称你为讲故事的人我心想’为什么不干脆叫魔法小精灵〃我说:让我考虑一下〃我试着鼓起勇气我对自己说，我是一个讲故事的人我是一个从事定性研究的科研人员我收集故事;这就是我的工作或许故事就是有灵魂的数据或许我就是一个讲故事的人于是我说〃听着，要不你就称我为做研究兼讲故事的人’她说〃哈哈，没这么个说法呀’所以我是个做研究兼讲故事的人，我今天想跟大家谈论的一我们要谈论的话题是关于拓展认知一我想给你们讲几个故事是关于我的一份研究的，这份研究从本质上拓宽了我个人的认知，也确确实实改变了我生活、爱、工作还有教育孩子的方式我的故事从这里开始当我还是个年轻的博士研究生的时候,第一年，有位研究教授对我们说’事实是这样的，如果有一个东西你无法测量，那么它就不存在〃我心想他只是在哄哄我们这些小孩子吧我说〃真的么？’他说〃当然’你得知道我有一个社会工作的学士文凭，一个社会工作的硕士文凭，我在读的是一个社会工作的博士文凭，所以我整个学术生涯都被人所包围，他们大抵相信生活是一团乱麻，接受它而我的观点则倾向于，生活是一团乱麻，解开它，把它整理好，再归类放入便当盒里（笑声）我觉得我领悟到了关键，有能力去创一番事业，让自己一真的，社会工作的一个重要理念是置身于工作的不适中我就是要把这不适翻个底朝天每科都拿到这就是我当时的信条我当Ao时真的是跃跃欲试我想这就是我要的职业生涯,因为我对乱成一团，难以处理的课题感兴趣我想要把它们弄清楚我想要理解它们我想侵入那些我知道是重要的东西把它们摸透，然后用浅显易懂的方式呈献给每一个人所以我的起点是〃关系因为当你从事了年的社会工作,你必10然会发现关系是我们活着的原因它赋予了我们生命的意义就是这么简单无论你跟谁交流工作在社会执法领域的也好，负责精神健康、虐待和疏于看管领域的也好我们所知道的是，关系是种感应的能力一生物神经上，我们是这么被设定的一这就是为什么我们在这儿所以我就从关系开始下面这个场景我们再熟悉不过了，你的上司给你作工作评估,她告诉了你点你做得相当棒的地方，还有一点一成长的空间？（笑声）37然后你满脑子都想着那一点成长的空间，不是么这也是我研究的一个方面，因为当你跟人们谈论爱情，他们告诉你的是一件让他们心碎的事当你跟人们谈论归属感，他们告诉你的是最让他们痛心的被排斥的经历当你跟人们谈论关系，他们跟我讲的是如何被断绝关系的故事所以很快的一在大约开始研究这个课题周以后一我遇到了这个前所未闻的东西它揭6示了关系以一种我不理解也从没见过的方式所以我暂停了原先的研究计划，对自己说，我得弄清楚这到底是什么它最终被鉴定为耻辱感耻辱感很容易理解，即害怕被断绝关系有没有一些关于我的事如果别人知道了或看到了，会认为我不值得交往我要告诉你们的是这种现象很普遍;我们都会有（这种想法）没有体验过耻辱的人不具有人类的同情或关系没人想谈论自己的模事，你谈论的越少，你越感到可耻滋生耻辱感的是一种〃我不够好.的心态一我们都知道这是个什么滋味’我不够什么我不够苗条，不够有钱，不够漂亮，不够聪明，职位不够高〃而支撑这种心态的是一种刻骨铭心的脆弱，关键在于要想产生关系，我们必须让自己被看见，真真切切地被看见你知道我怎么看待脆弱我恨它所以我思考着，这次是轮到我用我的标尺击溃它的时候了我要闯进去，把它弄清楚，我要花一年的时间，彻底瓦解耻辱，我要搞清楚脆弱是怎么运作的，然后我要智取胜过它所以我准备好了，非常兴奋跟你预计的一样，事与愿违（笑声）你知道这个（结果）我能告诉你关于耻辱的很多东西,但那样我就得占用别人的时间了但我在这儿可以告诉你，归根到底—这也许是我学到的最重要的东西-在从事研究的数十年中我预计的一年变成了六年，成千上万的故事，成百上千个采访，焦点集中有时人们发给我期刊报道，发给我他们的故事一不计其数的数据，就在这六年中我大概掌握了它我大概理解了这就是耻辱，这就是它的运作方式我写了本书，我出版了一个理论，但总觉得哪里不对劲一它其实是，如果我粗略地把我采访过的人分成具有自我价值感的人一说到底就是自我价值感一他们勇于去爱并且拥有强烈的归属感一另一部分则是为之苦苦挣扎的人，总是怀疑自己是否足够好的人区分那些敢于去爱并拥有强烈归属感的人和那些为之而苦苦挣扎的人的变量只有一个那就是，那些敢于去爱并拥有强烈归属感的人相信他们值得被爱，值得享有归属感就这么简单他们相信自己的价值而对于我，那个阻碍人与人之间关系的最困难的部分是我们对于自己不值得享有这种关系的恐惧，无论从个人，还是职业上我都觉得我有必要去更深入地了解它所以接下来我找出所有的采访记录找出那些体现自我价值的，那些持有这种观念的记录，集中研究它们这群人有什么共同之处？我对办公用品有点痴迷，但这是另一个话题了我有一个牛皮纸文件夹，还有一个三福极好笔，我心想，我该怎么给这项研究命名呢第一个蹦入我脑子的是全心全意这个词这是一群全心全意，靠着一种强烈的自我价值感在生活的人们所以我在牛皮纸夹的上端这样写道，而后我开始查看数据事实上，我开始是用四天时间集中分析数据，我从头找出那些采访，找出其中的故事和事件主题是什么？有什么规律？我丈夫带着孩子离开了小镇，因为我老是陷入像杰克逊.波洛克（美国近代抽象派画家）似的疯狂状态，我一直在写，完全沉浸在研究的状态中下面是我的发现这些人的共同之处在于勇气我想在这里先花一分钟跟大家区分一下勇气和胆量勇气，最初的定义，当它刚出现在英文里的时候一是从拉丁文意为心,演变过来cor,的一最初的定义是真心地叙述一个故事，告诉大家你是谁的所以这些人就具有勇气承认自己不完美他们具有同情心，先是对自己的，再是对他人的，因为，事实是，我们如果不能善待自己,我们也无法善待他人最后一点，他们都能和他人建立关系，一这是很难做到的一前提是他们必须坦诚，他们愿意放开自己设定的那个理想的自我以换取真正的自我，这是赢得关系的必要条件他们还有另外一个共同之处那就是，他们全然接受脆弱他们相信让他们变得脆弱的东西也让他们变得美丽他们不认为脆弱是寻求舒适，也不认为脆弱是钻心的疼痛一正如我之前在关于耻辱的采访中听到的他们只是简单地认为脆弱是必须的他们会谈到愿意说出我爱你，愿意做些没有的事情，愿意等待医生的电话，在做完乳房光检查之后他们愿意X为情感投资，无论有没有结果他们觉得这些都是最根本的我当时认为那是背叛我无法相信我尽然对科研宣誓效忠一研究的定义是控制然后预测，去研究现象，为了一个明确的目标，去控制并预测而我现在的使命即控制并预测却给出了这样一个结果:要想与脆弱共存就得停止控制，停止预测于是我崩溃了一其实更像是这样它确实是我称它为崩溃，我的心理医生称它为灵魂的觉醒灵魂的觉醒当然比精神崩溃要好听很多，但我跟你说那的确是精神崩溃然后我不得不暂且把数据放一边，去求助心理医生让我告诉你你知道你是谁当你打电话跟你朋友说〃我觉得我需要跟人谈谈你有什么好的建议吗〃因为我大约有五个朋友这么回答’喔我可不想当你的心理医生’我说〃这是什么意思〃他们说‘我只是想说，别带上你的标尺来见我〃我说‘行〃就这样我找到了一个心理医生我跟她，戴安娜，的第一次见面一我带去了一份表单上面都是那些全身心投入生活的人的生活方式，然后我坐下了她说‘你好吗〃我说‘我很好还不赖〃她说‘发生了什么事〃这是一个治疗心理医生的心理医生，我们不得不去看这些心理医生，因为他们的废话测量仪很准（知道你什么时候在说真心话）所以我说〃事情是这样的我很纠结’她说〃你纠结什么？’我说‘嗯，我跟脆弱过不去而且我知道脆弱是耻辱和恐惧的根源是我们为自我价值而挣扎的根源，但它同时又是欢乐，创造性，归属感，爱的源泉所以我觉得我有问题，我需要帮助〃我补充道’但是，这跟家庭无关，she said,Im going to callyoua storyteller.And I was like,Why notmagicpixieI was like,Let methink aboutthis for a second.I triedto calldeepon mycourage.And I thought,you know,I ama storyteller.Im aqualitativeresearcher.I collectstories;thats whatI do.And maybestoriesare justdata witha soul.And maybeIm justastoryteller.Andso I said,You knowwhat Whydont youjust sayIma researcher-storyteller.And shewent,Ha ha.Theres nosuch thing.So Ima researcher-storyteller,and Im going to talk toyou today--were talkingabout expandingperception--and soI want totalkto youandtell somestories abouta pieceof myresearch thatfundamentallyexpanded myperception andreally actuallychanged theway that I liveandlove andwork andparent.And this is wheremy storystarts.When I wasayoung researcher,doctoral student,my firstyear,I had aresearchprofessor whosaid tous,Heres the thing,if youcannot measureit,itdoesnot exist.And Ithoughthe wasjust sweet-talking me.I waslike,Really andhe waslike,Absolutely.And soyou have to understandthat I have abachelors andamasters in social work,and Iwas gettingmy Ph.D.insocial work,so myentireacademic careerwas surroundedby people who kind of believed跟童年无关〃〃我只需要一些策略‘谢谢戴安娜的反应是这样的我接着说〃这很糟糕，对么？’她说〃这不算好，也不算坏’〃它本身就是这样‘我说〃哦，我的天，要悲剧了’果然发生了，但又没有发生大概有一年的时间你知道的，有些人当他们发现脆弱和温柔很重要的时候，他们放下所有戒备，欣然接受（我要声明）一，这不是我，二，我朋友里面也没有这样的人对我来说，那是长达一年的斗争是场激烈的混战脆弱打我一拳，我又还击它一拳最后我输了，但我或许赢回了我的生活然后我再度投入到了我的研究中，又花了几年时间真正试图去理解那些全身心投入生活的人，他们做了怎样的决定，他们是如何应对脆弱的为什么我们为之痛苦挣扎？我是独自在跟脆弱斗争吗不是这是我学到的我们麻痹脆弱一（例如）当我们等待（医生）电话的时候好笑的是，我在微博和上发布了一条状态，〃Twitter Facebook你怎样定义脆弱？什么会让你感到脆弱〃在个半小时内,我收到了1150条回复因为我想知道大家都是怎么想的不得不请求丈夫帮忙，因为我病了，而且我们刚结婚；跟丈夫提出要做爱；跟妻子提出要做爱；被拒绝；约某人出来；等待医生的答复；被裁员；裁掉别人一这就是我们生活的世界我们活在一个脆弱的世界里我们应对的方法之一是麻痹脆弱我觉得这不是没有依据一这也不是依据存在的唯一理由，我认为我们当代问题的一大部分都可以归咎于它一在美国历史上，我们是欠债最多，肥胖，毒瘾、用药最为严重的一代问题是一我从研究中认识到一你无法选择性地麻痹感情你不能说，这些是不好的这是脆弱，这是悲哀，这是耻辱，这是恐惧，这是失望，我不想要这些情感我要去喝几瓶啤酒，吃个香蕉坚果松饼我不想要这些情感我知道台下传来的是会意的笑声别忘了，我是靠〃入侵你们的生活过日子的天哪你无法只麻痹那些痛苦的情感而不麻痹所有的感官，所有的情感你无法有选择性地去麻痹当我们麻痹那些，我们也麻痹了欢乐，麻痹了感恩，麻痹了幸福然后我们会变得痛不欲生，我们继而寻找生命的意义，然后我们感到脆弱，然后我们喝几瓶啤酒，吃个香蕉坚果松饼危险的循环就这样这形成了我们需要思考的一件事是我们是为什么，怎么样麻痹自己的这不一定是指吸毒我们麻痹自己的另一个方式是把不确定的事变得确定宗教已经从一种信仰、一种对不可知的相信变成了确定我是对的，你是错的闭嘴就是这样只要是确定的就是好的我们越是害怕，我们就越脆弱，然后我们变得愈加害怕这件就是当今政治的现状探讨已经不复存在对话已经荡然无存有的仅仅是指责你知道研究领域是如何描述指责的吗一种发泄痛苦与不快的方式我们追求完美如果有人想这样塑造他的生活，那个人就是我，但这行不通因为我们做的只是把屁股上的赘肉挪到我们的脸上这真是，我希望一百年以后，当人们回过头来会不禁感叹〃哇!’我们想要，这是最危险的，我们的孩子变得完美让我告诉你我们是如何看待孩子的从他们出生的那刻起，他们就注定要挣扎当你把这些完美的宝宝抱在怀里的时候，我们的任务不是说‘看看她,她完美的无可挑剔〃而是确保她保持完美一保证她五年级的时候可以进网球队，七年级的时候稳进耶鲁那不是我们的任务我们的任务是注视着她，对她说，〃你知道吗你并不完美，你注定要奋斗，但你值得被爱，值得享有归属感’这才是我们的职责给我看用这种方式培养出来的一代孩子,我保证我们今天有的问题会得到解决我们假装我们的行为不会影响他人不仅在我们个人生活中我们这么做，在工作中也一样一无论是紧急救助，石油泄漏，还是产品召回一我们假装我们做的事对他人不会造成什么大影响我想对这些公司说嘿，这不是我们第一次牛仔竞技我们只要你坦诚地，真心地说一句对不起，我们会处理这个问题〃但还有一种方法，我把它留给你们这是我的心得卸下我们的面具，让我们被看见，深入地被看见，即便是脆弱的一面；全心全意地去爱，尽管没有任何担保一这是最困难的，我也可以告诉你，作为一名家长，这个非常非常困难一带着一颗感恩的心，保持快乐哪怕是在最恐惧的时候哪怕我们怀疑’我能不能爱得这么深？我能不能如此热情地相信这份感情？我能不能如此矢志不渝〃在消极的时候能打住，而不是一味地幻想事情会如何变得更糟，对自己说我已经很感恩了，因为能感受到这种脆弱，这意味着我还活着〃最后，还有最重要的一点，那就是相信我们已经做得够好了因为我相信当我们在一个让人觉得〃我已经足够了’的环境中打拼的时候我们会停止抱怨，开始倾听，我们会对周围的人会更友善，更温和，对自己也会更友善，更温和这就是我演讲的全部内容谢谢大家in thelifes messy,love it.And Immore of the,lifes messy,clean itup,organize it and putit intoa bentobox.And sotothinkthat Ihad foundmy way,to found a careerthattakes me--really,one ofthe bigsayings insocialworkis,Lean intothediscomfort ofthe work.And Imlike,knock discomfortupside theheadandmove itover andget allAs.That wasmy mantra.So Iwas veryexcited aboutthis.And soI thought,you knowwhat,this is the careerfor me,becauseI aminterested insome messytopics.But I want tobeableto makethemnot messy.I want to understand them.Iwantto hackinto thesethings thatIknow areimportant andlay thecode outfor everyoneto see.So where I startedwas with connection.Because,by thetime youreasocial workerfor10years,what yourealize is that connectionis whywere here.Its whatgives purposeand meaningto ourlives.This iswhatits allabout.It doesntmatter whetheryou talkto people who workin socialjustice,mental healthand abuseand neglect,whatweknow is thatconnection,the abilitytofeelconnected,is--neurobiologically thatshowwere wired一一its whywerehere.So Ithought,you knowwhat,Im goingto startwithconnection.Well,you know that situationwhere youget anevaluation fromyour boss,and shetells you37thingsthatyoudo reallyawesome,and oneopportunity forgrowthAnd allyoucanthinkaboutisthatopportunity forgrowth,rightWell,apparently this istheway mywork wentas well,because,when youaskpeople aboutlove,they tell you aboutheartbreak.When you ask peopleaboutbelonging,theyll tell you theirmost excruciatingexperiences ofbeingexcluded.And whenyouaskpeople aboutconnection,the storiestheytold mewere aboutdisconnection.So veryquickly一一really aboutsix weeksinto this research一一I raninto thisunnamed thing that absolutelyunraveled connectionin awaythat I didnt understandor hadnever seen.And soI pulledback outoftheresearchand thought,I needto figureout whatthis is.And itturnedout tobe shame.And shame is reallyeasily understoodas thefear ofdisconnection:Is theresomething aboutme that,if otherpeople knowitor seeit,thatIwont beworthy ofconnectionThe thingsIcan tellyouabout it:Its universal;we allhaveit.The onlypeople whodont experienceshame haveno capacityfor humanempathyor connection.No onewants totalk aboutit,andtheless youtalkabout it,the moreyou haveit.What underpinned this shame,this Im notgood enough,--which,we allknowthatfeeling:Imnotblank enough.Imnot thinenough,rich enough,beautiful enough,smart enough,promoted enough.The thingthatunderpinnedthis was excruciatingvulnerability.This ideaof,inorder forconnection tohappen,we haveto allowourselves tobeseen,really seen.And you knowhowI feelabout vulnerability.I hatevulnerability.And soIthought,thisismy chanceto beatit backwith mymeasuring stick.Im goingin,Im goingto figurethis stuffout,Im goingto spenda year,Im goingto totallydeconstruct shame,Imgoingtounderstandhowvulnerability works,and Imgoingtooutsmart it.So Iwas ready,and Iwasreally excited.As you know,itsnotgoingtoturn outwell.You knowthis.So,I couldtellyoua lotabout shame,but Idhaveto borroweveryone elsestime.But heres whatIcantellyou thatit boilsdown to一一and thismay beoneofthe mostimportant thingsthat Iveeverlearned inthe decadeof doingthis research.My oneyear turnedinto sixyears:Thousands ofstories,hundredsof longinterviews,focus groups.At onepoint,people weresending mejournalpages andsending metheir stories一一thousands ofpieces ofdatain sixyears.And I kindofgot ahandle onit.Ikindof understood,thisis whatshameis,thisishow itworks.I wrotea book,I publisheda theory,butsomething wasnot okay--and whatit wasisthat,if Iroughly tookthepeople Iinterviewed anddivided theminto peoplewho reallyhavea senseof worthiness--thats whatthis comesdownto,asense of worthiness一一they havea strongsense of love andbelonging一一and folkswho struggleforit,and folkswho arealways wonderingif theyregood enough.There wasonly onevariable thatseparated thepeoplewho havea strongsense oflove andbelongingand thepeoplewhoreally struggleforit.And thatwas,thepeoplewhohavea strongsenseoflove andbelongingbelieve theyreworthy ofloveandbelonging.Thats it.They believetheyreworthy.And tome,the hardpart ofthe onethingthatkeeps usout ofconnectionis ourfear thatwere notworthyofconnection,was somethingthat,personally andprofessionally,I feltlike I needed tounderstandbetter.So whatI didis Itook alloftheinterviews where I sawworthiness,whereIsaw peopleliving thatway,and justlooked atthose.What dothese peoplehave in common Ihaveaslight officesupplyaddiction,but thatsanother talk.So Ihadamanila folder,and Ihad aSharpie,and Iwaslike,what amI goingto callthisresearchAnd thefirstwords thatcame tomy mindwere whole-hearted.These arewhole-hearted people,living fromthisdeep senseof worthiness.So Iwrote atthe topofthemanila folder,andI startedlooking atthe data.In fact,Ididit firstin afour-day,veryintensive dataanalysis,whereIwent back,pulled theinterviews,thestories,pulled theincidents.Whats thetheme Whatsthe patternMyhusband lefttown withthe kidsbecauseI alwaysgo intothis JacksonPollockcrazy thing,where Im just writingand in my researchermode.And sohereswhatI found.What they had incommon wasa senseofcourage.And Iwanttoseparate courageand braveryfor youforaminute.Courage,the originaldefinition ofcourage,when itfirst cameinto theEnglishlanguage--its fromthe Latinword cor,meaning heart一一and theoriginaldefinition wasto tellthe storyof who you arewith yourwholeheart.And sothese folkshad,very simply,the couragetobeimperfect.They hadthe compassiontobekind tothemselves firstand thento others,because,as itturns out,we cantpractice compassionwith otherpeopleif wecant treatourselves kindly.And thelast wasthey hadconnection,and一一this wasthe hardpart-一asaresult ofauthenticity,theywerewillingto letgo ofwho theythought theyshould bein ordertobewho theywere,which youhavetoabsolutely dothat forconnection.The otherthingthat theyhadincommonwas this:Theyfully embracedvulnerability.They believedthat whatmade themvulnerablemade thembeautiful.They didnttalk aboutvulnerability beingcomfortable,nor didthey reallytalk aboutit beingexcruciating-一as Ihad hearditearlier inthe shameinterviewing.They justtalked aboutit beingnecessary.They talkedabout the willingness tosay,Iloveyou first...thewillingness to dosomething wherethereareno guaranteesthewillingnesstobreathe throughwaitingforthe doctorto callafteryour mammogram.Theyre willingto investin arelationship thatmay ormaynot workout.They thoughtthiswasfundamental.I personallythought it was betrayal.I couldnot believeI hadpledgedallegiance toresearch,where ourjob一一youknow,the definitionofresearch isto controland predict,to studyphenomena forthe explicitreasonto controland predict.And nowmy missionto controland predicthadturned upthe answerthattheway tolive iswithvulnerabilityandto stopcontrolling andpredicting.This ledtoalittle breakdown一一And itdid.I callita breakdown;my therapistcalls ita spiritualawakening.A spiritualawakening soundsbetter thanbreakdown,butI assureyou,itwasabreakdown.And Ihad toput mydata awayandgo finda therapist.Let metellyousomething:youknowwhoyouarewhen youcall yourfriends andsay,Ithink Ineedto seesomebody.Do youhaveany recommendationsBecause aboutfive ofmy friendswere like,Wooo,I wouldntwanttobe yourtherapist.Iwaslike,What doesthat meanAnd theyrelike,Imjustsaying,youknow.Dont bringyour measuringstick.Iwaslike,Okay.So Ifounda therapist.My firstmeeting withher,Diana一一I broughtinmylist ofthewaythe whole-hearted live,andI satdown.And she said,How areyou And I said,Im great.Im okay.Shesaid,Whats goingon Andthisisatherapistwho seestherapists,becausewe haveto goto those,because theirB.S.meters aregood.And soIsaid,Heres thething,Im struggling.And shesaid,Whatsthe struggleAnd Isaid,Well,Ihavea vulnerabilityissue.And Iknowthat vulnerabilityisthecore ofshame andfear andour struggleforworthiness,but itappears thatits alsothe birthplaceof joy,ofcreativity,of belonging,oflove.And IthinkIhaveaproblem,and Ineedsome help.AndIsaid,But heresthething:no familystuff,no childhoodshit.I justneed somestrategies.Thank you.So shegoes likethis.And thenIsaid,Its bad,right Andshesaid,Its neither。
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